img_0569At 32 years old I began to experience heterosexual desire. I remember the exact moment that I realized I was sexually attracted to some women in front of me. The desire was immediately followed by disorientation and then panic.

I had been involved in the “exgay” movement since I was 17, this was what I wanted right? To be a “normal guy”, but I found my self in a state of panicked disbelief. I went home and dove into gay porn.

Since then I have been involved in some platonic relationships with women. One that lasted 6 years and was very codependent and unhealthy. I have insisted that I am gay with a small amount of heterosexual desire that I can not explain. And yet over the years my heterosexual desires have continued to slightly increase while my homosexual desires have slightly decreased.

I insist on being celibate and expect to be celibate the rest of my life. That brings me to yesterday. Yesterday I went skiing with the Veterans Adaptive Ski Program. Skiing forces me into a good mood and all day I found myself “checking out” beautiful women and not once noticing a sexually attractive guy.

This is not supposed to happen! My therapist at the VA is working hard to get me to feel comfortable with my sexual identity. But I remain confused and definitely feel alone in this. Has anyone else experienced this? Why and how is this happening?

 

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