A Veteran Lost

img_0593Shane Yazzie was A Marine Veteran of Desert Storm. I went through VA Inpatient mental health with him last year. After the program he went through some rough times. He tried to pull himself back together, yet in the end he didn’t make it. R.I.P.

Damsels In Distress

img_0572Since my last post I have gotten in touch with a woman I was involved with that I tried to “rescue” as a “White Knight”. I find that I do this a great deal in my life. I seek out women that are beyond emotional basket cases-I find the real deals-Borderline Personality, complex PTSD, Bipolar and end up in platonic but emotionally codependent relationships. I used to think I was a “nice” guy for doing this and that is partly true, but it’s also true that I look for emotional intensity and chaos as a way to recreate my dysfunctional childhood.

With friendships with men I tend to do the same in a different way. Always seeking out the guys with Anti-Social Personality Disorder or convicted felons to “help” when there’s no help to be had for them. Also relating back to my dysfunctional childhood.

Sexual Orientation Change

img_0569At 32 years old I began to experience heterosexual desire. I remember the exact moment that I realized I was sexually attracted to some women in front of me. The desire was immediately followed by disorientation and then panic.

I had been involved in the “exgay” movement since I was 17, this was what I wanted right? To be a “normal guy”, but I found my self in a state of panicked disbelief. I went home and dove into gay porn.

Since then I have been involved in some platonic relationships with women. One that lasted 6 years and was very codependent and unhealthy. I have insisted that I am gay with a small amount of heterosexual desire that I can not explain. And yet over the years my heterosexual desires have continued to slightly increase while my homosexual desires have slightly decreased.

I insist on being celibate and expect to be celibate the rest of my life. That brings me to yesterday. Yesterday I went skiing with the Veterans Adaptive Ski Program. Skiing forces me into a good mood and all day I found myself “checking out” beautiful women and not once noticing a sexually attractive guy.

This is not supposed to happen! My therapist at the VA is working hard to get me to feel comfortable with my sexual identity. But I remain confused and definitely feel alone in this. Has anyone else experienced this? Why and how is this happening?


The Lonely Mojave

img_0502I Own land in the desolate reaches of the Mojave Desert. Between Needles and Barstow on Old Route 66. The town of Danby is where it’s located, a near ghost town with several abandoned buildings, and one family living there.

I love the Mojave because it is so desolate, so barren, and yet, if you look closely, teeming with life that lives on the edge.

Heard vs herd

via Daily Prompt: Heard

I saw herd when I saw this daily prompt, then I said it to myself and realized it was heard. My Dyspraxia probably played into my interpretation, this happens to me often.

Anyway. I hardly heard the herd till they hurried past me, I was quite harried after.


Celibate Gays and Red Pill Philosophy

A lexicon of terms related to the celibate gay movement and the red pill movement.

Alpha Male: The stereotypical male at the height of the male hierarchy construct. Athletic, handsome, confident.

Alt-Right: A new movement among conservatives advancing the idea of Western Civilization, traditional gender roles, and American nationalism. Opposed to feminism, social justice movements, globalism, and feminism.

Androphile: A gay man that ascribes to Red Pill Philosophy

Beta Male: In this context, The stereotypical nice guy that seeks a stable career, marriage, and family.

Bully: Any person that uses their superior status (physical, cultural, psychological) to intimidate or coerce an inferior person (physical, cultural, psychological).

Celibacy: A person that does not have sex. In Christianity viewed as the only option for those with homosexual desires. In Red Pill philosophy straight men are either voluntarily celibate because they do not want to play the “game” of sexual and relational politics in modern culture or involuntarily celibate because women do not find them desirable.

Christianity: In this context a culture that espouses traditional gender roles and relationships, often tied to conservative politics and beliefs.

Cuck: A derogatory term used by the alt-right for those perceived as non-“Alpha” males, males that ascribe to feminist ideas-tinged with racist under tones.

Divorce: Seen in the Red Pill movement as a way women treat men unfairly and in general to show that society denigrates the role of husband and father.

Evangelical: For this context an American culture that espouses the nationalist ideals of “God, guns, and guts made America great.” A type of Christian that is perceived as anti-intellectual, white, politically conservative, and middle class.

Exgay: A homosexual person that attempts to become a heterosexual through their Christian faith and a version of Freudian Psychology.

Feminism: A movement that attempts to advocate for traditionally feminine traits to be more incorporated into society. Traits such as team work, empathy, empowerment of oppressed groups, and non-violence. Traditionally opposed to Western Culture dominance, Male Privilege, White Privilege, and Heterosexual Privilege.

Gay: A term for those that embrace their identity as homosexually-oriented (as static and unchangeable).

Gays for Trump: A small group of homosexuals that advocate for traditional conservative causes

Hierarchy (male): A view by men involved in Red Pill Philosophy that men are in a competitive hierarchy. Usually viewed in the context of competition for women, but also in work environments and society at large.

Hill, Wesley: The poster boy for the celibate gay Christian movement. Espouses a traditional view of biblical relationships with a softer tone than the exgay movement.

Love: The main goal for the celibate gay Christian. Viewed with suspicion or contempt by men in the Red Pill movement.

Male Privilege: The idea that males have a preferred and dominant role in society.

Marriage: Viewed as the standard relationship model for those in the celibate gay Christian community-an option denied those with Christian faith and a homosexual orientation.

Viewed as a prison for those in the Red Pill Movement for the most part.

Gay Marriage: The new societal construct that attempts to “normalize” homosexuality, including a push for monogamy in gay relationships.

Masculinity: An individual mans projection of the Patriarchy and Male Privilege.

MGTOW: Men Going Their Own Way a sub-culture of the red pill movement that sometimes advocates voluntary celibacy for straight men (in a non-religious context).

Monogamy: See gay marriage above

Omega Male: A male at the bottom of the male hierarchy.

Paglia, Camille: An established lesbian radical that promotes a traditional view of Western Culture, gender roles, and homosexuality.

Patriarchy: The belief that society is controlled by men.

Racism: In this context a uniquely American phenomenon based in centuries of oppression of blacks. The Alt-Right views racism as a thing of the past and that racial minorities should “buck up” and reject victimization.

Red Pill Philosophy: A movement among straight men that views feminism negatively, is suspicious of marriage and romantic love, and views men as competing in a hierarchy, also often tied to conservative political views.

Spiritual Friendship: The center of the celibate gay Christian movement.

SSA: Same-Sex Attraction-used by Christians who have a homosexual orientation and refuse to be identified as gay.

Straight Privilege: The idea that heterosexuals are privileged and hold power in society.

Trans: A person that is attempting to change their identified birth gender to the other gender.

Trumpism: A nationalist movement that supports President Trump.

Western Culture: In this context the dominant culture of the world.

Yiannopoulis, Milo: A controversial journalist associated with the Alt-Right.